When Three Isn't a Crowd: What You Need to Know About Threesomes

In reality, there are far fewer “perversions” in sex than censorship once made us believe. And a threesome is definitely not one of them.

Our editors spent a long time thinking about how to present this topic and describe all the pleasures a threesome can offer. In the end, we decided there was nothing better than hearing about it from someone with real experience...

“The coolest thing waiting for you is a completely new set of sensations. From everything: taking part in the sex itself, the caresses, and simply watching the other two partners do IT. It can feel as if new erogenous zones are opening up on your body.

But for everything to go as pleasurably as possible, you need to follow a few rules and prepare carefully.

How do you prepare for a threesome?

The first and most important rule for any couple inviting a third person into the bedroom is that both partners must genuinely want it. If one of you is only giving in to the other rather than wanting it personally, you are unlikely to get either physical or emotional satisfaction.

The second rule is openness. About everything: conversations, preparation, desires, fantasies, touching and penetration. Don't know how, or feel embarrassed, to talk to your partner about your desire? Then read “Speaking openly about intimate things: 5 rules for sexual communication in a couple.”

So, the first practical question is choosing the third partner. You have three options:

• find someone on specialized websites or forums;
• invite someone you know;
• pay for the services of a professional.

The third option can be convenient for a first experience. The second has many potential complications.

Wherever you look for your “not-so-extra” third person, remember safety – both physical (health checks and testing still matter) and psychological. You should feel comfortable and relaxed with this person, and both partners should like them. Imagine being in bed with a woman or man who doesn't arouse you at all and instead gives you strongly negative feelings because of their behavior, appearance or attitude. Hard to imagine enjoying that, right?

Which option suits you best is up to you.

MFM or FMF?

A threesome is usually discussed in two formats: MFM and FMF.

Both have their advantages and disadvantages.

Men often like the second option. No surprise: watching two beautiful women in your bed, their caresses and kisses, can be an amazing sight. And receiving that attention “with four hands,” while making love to two desired women, is an experience many would like to try at least once.

So they can want to do it again later...)

But a man should remember that in this trio he is not simply a passive recipient of attention. He is an active participant who also gives attention, caresses, penetration and kisses. Satisfying two women at the same time can be challenging. If both women are bisexual, no one has to feel left out: they can pay attention to each other while giving the man a moment to catch his breath – and enjoy themselves at the same time.

If the women are strictly heterosexual, the man's main task is not to neglect either of them – nobody needs jealousy or arguments afterward. Toys can help: vibrators and dildos. A strap-on can add something unusual to the trio. For many people it is an unconventional toy that lets partners temporarily switch roles, experiment with double penetration and reveal hidden desires.

So in an FMF trio a man has plenty of responsibility: please two women at once, avoid jealousy, behave so that his regular partner never doubts that she is still his No. 1, and finally, try not to be overwhelmed by excitement and pleasure before the women have had theirs.

Women may be attracted to this setup by the complete novelty of the sensations: “What will another woman do?”, “What is it like to kiss a woman?”, “How do intimate touches from a man and a woman differ?”

According to the figures quoted in the original article, 70% of women would like to have such an experience, while only 30% actually decide to try it.

In an MFM threesome, things can be somewhat simpler. Here the center of the universe is the Woman. She receives double physical attention, not to mention the emotional thrill of feeling and seeing that two men want her at once. In this setup, the woman is very likely to get plenty of pleasure – and possibly more than once.

But on one condition: she must trust her partners completely, or at least one of them. Whatever way you look at it, trust is one of the most important factors affecting how comfortable and enjoyable sex feels.

To make the night more varied and beautiful, she can choose an ideal outfit, while the men can take care of some pleasant extras.

What should you take care of in any threesome, whatever the format?

• Trust, mutual attraction and awareness of one another's preferences and taboos. A threesome begins long before the bedroom: it starts with learning about each other's fantasies, fears, desires and limits. It may be a simple chat or several meetings that gradually build desire.
• Discuss the meeting place in advance. A neutral location can help everyone feel equal and less constrained.
• The setting matters too. A romantic apartment or a BDSM room? Candles, music and flowers, or does none of that matter to the three of you? What about food, drinks and bedding? Small details can spoil someone's mood – or help create exactly the right one.
• Stock up on lubricants and condoms, and take a little more than you expect to use. They should suit everyone involved and should not cause irritation, allergies or unpleasant sensations.
• Discuss in advance which toys you want to use, what is acceptable and what is not. Check batteries, accessories and whether everything works.
• If someone still feels shy or uncertain despite really wanting the experience, try a role-playing game and become someone else for a while. Role play can help remove psychological blocks. You can choose matching outfits and accessories.
• A safe word. This is one of the most important elements of a three-person game. In the heat of passion, someone can get carried away and cross a line that another participant does not want crossed. Everyone needs to know that they can stop the activity at any moment. This is about personal boundaries, trust and the ability to relax fully into the experience.

And finally, a simple thought from sexologists:

If your partner suggests trying a threesome, it does not automatically mean they are “perverted” or that you are not enough for them. It may simply mean they want to discover new sides of their sexuality together with you.

Wishing you bright orgasms!