Speaking Openly About Intimate Things: 5 Rules for Sexual Communication in a Couple

How open are you with your sexual partner? Not about life plans or political views, but about sexual desires, fantasies and taboos?

Rate it on a 10-point scale, where 10 is the highest level of trust and openness.

Got your number?

If your score is 9 or lower, read this list of ways to reach that coveted 10.

Rule 1. Call things by their names. You're not five years old, and you're not in a Soviet kindergarten where someone will scold you for saying “penis,” “clitoris” or “vibrator.” Understand that different partners will interpret “kiss me THERE” differently. One will head for the clitoris, another for the anus, and someone else may go for the navel. Everyone has their own THERE.

That leads to rule two – talk about everything. Literally everything. Something that is obvious to you – and perhaps even to your previous partners – may be completely unknown territory to your current partner. They don't know that you orgasm most intensely in one position, while another causes discomfort. You can discover all this slowly through trial and error and perhaps even damage the relationship because of one of those “errors.” Or you can talk about it from the start and speed up both physical and emotional closeness. Isn't that one of the things we seek in a relationship?

Rule 3. Make these conversations part of foreplay. Good sex begins long before the bedroom. It begins with conversations about your partner's desires, fantasies, preferences, fears and boundaries. These discussions can become a game in themselves – and a very arousing one. Add your own photos or videos that show your partner what you want, and the meeting can become unforgettable.

Rule 4. Speak directly. Seriously, stop being embarrassed. Your orgasms are in your hands. If you tell your partner directly, “I don't like it when you do this, but what you were doing before felt amazing,” the world will not collapse and nobody has to be mortally offended. Hints and half-tones are great for flirting, games and foreplay, but if you want your partner to learn how to feel you and your body, talk about it confidently.

Remember the old ad saying, “sometimes it's better to chew than to talk”? This is not one of those times. Here you need to talk, show and teach.

Rule 5. Tact and sensitivity still matter. Remember there are two of you in bed and you are equals. This isn't only about wording, words and expressions – it's also about sensing your partner and the situation. Before sharing a new fantasy or discussing yesterday's sex, make sure your partner is in the right mood for the conversation.

Are their thoughts occupied by something else?

Are they ready to talk about sex right now, or are they exhausted and dreaming only of sleep?

Are you sure they're not irritated, in a joking mood or drunk, and that they'll understand you correctly?

All of this matters because saying something isn't enough – you need to say it in a way that lets you be heard.

BONUS.

Rule 6. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood. When we talk about unusual fantasies, we risk being laughed at or not understood by our partner. It happens, and it can be very unpleasant, but it isn't the end of the world. In this case, it's often better to speak up than to stay in a relationship where your needs are never heard. Agree? And really, what is there to regret? At least you've learned something important about the person.

A life hack for anyone who doesn't know where to start.

If you or your partner find it difficult to talk about THESE subjects – and some people are so quiet you can barely get a word out of them about the weather, let alone sex – start with messages. Virtual communication can help people loosen up. Add personal photos and videos to the conversation and see how your sex life changes.

Try a role-playing game: become someone else and talk from that character's point of view. BUT don't stay too long at the level of pretending to be “someone else.” Your real goal is to learn to trust each other unconditionally, outside the game and at any time.

So what do we have in the end?

Sexual communication in our society, unfortunately, often sits somewhere around 5 out of 10, even in long-term couples. Upbringing is partly to blame: sex, including talking about it, is treated as something forbidden and sometimes even dirty. But we understand perfectly well that real pleasure is much easier when a partner knows what we actually want.

So instead of relying on telepathy, a sixth sense or clever guessing, let's simply say openly WHAT and HOW we like to do in bed – and in the bathroom, kitchen, park or car too.

Wishing you bright orgasms!